A while back I published an article called "The Black Speech of Mordor.” To my surprise, it was featured on the Technology tab of Substack’s “Explore” showcase. You know: the crappy official feed that none of us ever reads.
I thought that was pretty weird. For one thing, TCWNF isn’t exactly lighting the world on fire with subscriptions, paid or otherwise. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve been surprised and humbled by the response I’ve gotten these past fourteen months. But let’s get real: my writing work is a niche of a niche (at best).
The article itself also seemed a far cry from the other “Technology” content I clicked through. That’s not necessarily a comment on quality; the other selections just seemed pretty milquetoast by comparison. I certainly didn’t run across any mention of Tolkien lore, let alone the diabolical implications of COBOL. I wondered if my words passed through any human gatekeepers at all on its way to “prominence” (i.e. almost total obscurity; I think I netted exactly one free subscriber sourced from its brief appearance there).
Like most social media players, Substack’s algos are a closely guarded trade secret, likely stuffed to the gills with byzantine metrics that deemphasize or even entirely exclude any form of human curation. My only clue was that my article “Screen Grab” had been recently referenced in Bitcoin Magazine and linked to from ZeroHedge, which indeed yielded several new subscribers from both sources (h/t to
of in both cases).So even though “Explore” didn’t attract new readers, BM and ZH did — and enough of them to make Substack’s algos giddy up and dance, apparently. I was a little freaked out at first, as Dame Bisone could attest. We talked about what might happen if tomorrow — or next week or next year — I suddenly found myself writing to a genuinely massive audience, and how that might cause me to change the way I write.
One of the points I was trying to make in “Mordor” was that the language dev of dissidents is conducted organically. We know we aren’t programmable machines, so imposing grammar and/or syntax in top-down fashion is a non-starter. But even if constructed language and censorship was a plausible route, it would be antithetical to our project as a whole. “‘Shut up,’ he argued” is what the Enemy does.
The best we can do is to develop and hone our individual dialects, while occasionally borrowing terms from each other that we find especially useful or poetic. I’ve noticed my friends on the Tonic Discussions podcast are particularly good at slinging out clever neologisms and portmanteaus, such as
’s “marxicissist” or ’s “conformmunist” (and while didn’t coin “globohomo” or “GAE”, his writing is what first exposed me to that lingo).What we’re all building together is essentially a pirate vocabulary; word-booty robbed from a hundred shores, and split over a jolly jug of rum.
This is good.
Yet no matter what we share or steal, each speaker retains his own style and presentation, which is an expression of the unique soul behind the words.
This is also good, because it is human.
One aspect of these personal, rehumanizing language projects is editorial. As we select which words and symbols to deploy, we’re also deciding which ones to abandon on the cutting-room floor. This editing process never ends; we’re always looking for better ways to make our minds known, and trading rusty old slang for new-hotness.1
Towards the end of the article, I mentioned I’d been thinking about modifying my own language model, in order to avoid unintentionally chiming in on the Enemy’s dark chorus. It was by no means a manifesto; I took pains to call it a personal decision, based what I’ve come to know about my own weaknesses and flaws:
Speech codes are so utterly vile, I would never even impose one on myself. As in life, language requires flexibility and spontaneity. Even Gandalf resorted to the Black Speech in order to end the fellowship’s useless squabbling, and refocus them on the threat at hand. If that’s good enough for him, it’s good enough for me.
But what I am considering doing is modifying my own language model to minimize whatever bits of the Enemy’s tongue are currently lurking there. On reflection, I realized that there are quite a few of those, and that in becoming fluent in the Black Speech I have risked jailing myself inside it.
I can use a lot of different words, for a lot of different occasions. In the proper mood and circumstances, I can curse a streak so blue it would strike ten sailors dead. I can also recite some poetry by heart, sweettalk the panties off a Mother Superior, sell snow to an Eskimo, etc, etc. Point being: I’ve got options.
But developing my “writing voice” is a special kind of project. It’s very different than my speaking voice, and is something I’m intentionally building and refining along the way. That work necessarily includes chopping it down and streamlining it, so that it can sound more consistent and coherent over time.
IMPORTANT: The list of retired terms to follow isn’t a recommendation for how others should write — and it most definitely isn’t a guide to how you should speak or write to me. As my Tonic 7 brothers could attest, I’m about as radical a free speech absolutist as you’ll ever run afoul of. So, feel free to call me a libertarded niggerluvin faggotyass christcuck all the livelong day! As far as I’m concerned, the Speech Cops still gotta go through me to get to you, dear froggy.
At most, you might consider this list as food for thought. I believe that perfecting our own unique but mutually comprehensible language styles will be of critical importance2 in the wild ride to come. Just as Team Machine centrally distributes and enforces its own bland, soulless language model, so should Team Humanity tailor and refine our singing voices to those which best suit us as individuals. As they regurgitate and parrot, so shall we translate and harmonize.
All that out of the way, here are a few word-horses and LOLcows I’ve decided to retire to the ol’ glew factory.
“Karen” and “Chad”
This one was mostly no-brainer for me. Having known several fine women who go by the name Karen, I was dismayed by how quickly this virus spread, and always felt uncomfortable using it as a pejorative. I assume its provenance is as a homophone of “caring” (e.g. That woman is carin’ too much about what I’m doin!). If so, this vandalism serves a dual purpose, since “care” is yet another useful word the Enemy has corrupted. But however it came about, I think turning someone’s christened name into a slur is weird, cruel, lame and dumb.
“Chad” on the other hand, is a memetic frame I’ve used without giving it much thought. Maybe that’s because its purpose was to salvage and uplift a name once denigrated by anti-white racists, much the same way “Karen” is flung about now.
Still, what’s in a name? There are certainly bad Chads roaming the Earth, and ruining it for the rest of them. So while I’ve deployed his name and image pretty casually — and even dropped the dreaded GigaChad bomb on occasion — I think it’s time for me to put this magnificent sonofabitch out to pasture. No glew factory for you, my laconic friend. You’re going fulltime stud.
There are other instances of these lame name-games. “Brandon” was funny for about a week, but, okay, got it, cool, enough already. Worse, the rules of these games are as rigged as any other the Enemy plays. While “Adolph” remains the Chernobyl of of the birth certificate industry, the name “Joseph” hums right along as if nichevo strashnava, comrade.
Even Lucifer was at least 17.25x more popular than “Adolph” as of 2021 (and might be infinitely more, if “less than 5” turns out to be zero). In fact, the number of baby Lucifers has been on the upswing in recent years, rising 762.5% since 2011. I wonder what that’s all about?
Anyway, I’m riding with my homeboy Shakespeare on this one, lest one day the worm turns and “Mark” becomes slang for a gullible hayseed who is easily taken advantage of or deceived…
Hey, waitaminute…
4Chan-ese
This category is almost tied for easy retirement. I understand that many of us still see a certain rebellious utility in it. We often find ourselves trapped in the Enemy’s prison of increasingly dour, hypocritical and toxic etiquette, guarded over by the worst collection of busybodies and unctuous scolds ever assembled. So there’s a joyful rush to be had by inserting various appendages into their bland cafeteria slop.
Still, the dangers for me to backslide into darkness have become evident in recent years. Even if I deploy it as a weapon of comedy, I know I’ll probably attract fewer knights than I will a bunch of half-orc LARPers playing dress-up. Maybe that just means I’m not skilled enough to be effective at it. Or maybe the better way to put it is that I’m too reliant on craftsmanship; high-speed/low-effort is the key to effective 4chanian ballistics. I can respect that, but it’s just not in my wheelhouse.
I also think its long term profitability is dubious. While mudwrestling and eye-gouging can be a fun way to blow off steam and pwn The Borg, even the edgiest of subversive memes eventually turn into just another bowl of dry cornflakes. I suspect we crossed that threshold four or five years back, around the same time that Clown World’s flood of lunacies became nigh-impossible to satirize.
Also, let’s face facts: Some folks fluent in 4channery genuinely mean it. Hiding behind some of those clownish masks are actual clowns, imbued with all the darkness and poison that implies. I’d rather not get mistaken for one of those, since I’ve committed myself to building bridges instead of rigging them with C-4.
For example, if some liar twists my use of “nigger” above, it would be an intentional misreading on his part, and make him look absurd to anyone who bothered to investigate the context. Not so for the /pol/ who’s just posted his 38th meme in a row about “pavement apes” and such.
On a side note, I think the lion’s share of Kekistani humor being produced these days just ain’t funny enough. And in my opinion, the joke that falls flat is worse than the one you don’t tell.
Pride
Another common word stolen and ruined by the Clown Worlders. While it’s true I’ve always had a problem with this term, it does attach to certain meanings that aren’t necessarily evil. Or at least, it used to. Nowadays, it just looks to me like the Devil’s Rainbow in graphic form. Even the idea of feeling “proud” of what other people do seems like a backhanded compliment, like I’m stealing a bit of their glory for myself.
Going forward, I’ll try to choose replacements such as “honor,” “gratitude” and “respect” to describe those feelings I get when someone does something I find worthwhile. When I use the word “pride,” it will strictly refer that hubristic self-regard which goeth before a belly flop.
LGBTLMFAO+
I’ve had quite enough of mocking this ridiculous string of nonsense. The fact of its existence in everyday parlance is so preposterous, it requires no further comedic effort on my part.
Yes, it sounds more like a obsolete internet protocol than anything pertaining to a human being (let alone to anything remotely “sexy”). Yes, the string of letters grows and mutates like a psychotic, self-aware cancer. And it will go on doing so, hilariously tripping up even those buffoons who pretend to give a rat’s ass about it.
We’ve had a merry old time reformulating it. “LGBTWXYZ” and “the Alphabet Mafia” and so forth. But it’s become redundant at this point for my purposes. Those people who deploy it without a shred of irony are quite obviously insane. The suppression of the spirit and the disintegration of reason has nuked their capacity for useful language development. So, they staple on endless letters to ensure that any form of mutual understanding remains unstable enough to launch palace coups at any time (“Trans” being the most recent coup, to the chagrin of homos everywhere).
It’s not just that I don’t have a dog in this unbelievably stupid fight. To modify Napoleon: when your enemy is busy setting its hair on fire, fetch the royal popcorn. In that spirit, from now on I will strive to repeat the full acronym in its most current form. From best I can tell, that is LGBTQQIP2SA+.
Say that three times… no, one time fast, motherfucker. I double-dog dare you.
Anyway, I look forward to future expansions, which I will try to commit to memory as well. In conversation, I will shame every wokie in the room by reciting the full acronym each time I use it.
Which could be totally hilarious. Imagine the possibilities:
“My biggest problem with the LGBTQQIP2SA+ movement is that anyone who challenges the underlying legal and moral presumptions expressed by LGBTQQIP2SA+ leaders is held to standards of evidence and logic that members of the various LGBTQQIP2SA+ groups routinely aren’t.”
And then I correct said wokies, every time they cut it short or fuck it up.
Speaking of them…
Woke
I won’t sugarcoat it: This one’s gonna be tough.
As shorthand, “Woke” has proven difficult for me to retire altogether, despite its many flaws. In fact, trying to drop it suddenly and completely could be counterproductive; good strategy requires we call our enemies by the same names, to avoid confusion in the ranks.
Beside that, “Woke” has proven to be one of those engineered Black Speech terms that accidentally captured the Enemy’s essence. Better than any of their other cheap language products, this stolen word manages to sum up their entire smug, vague, vapid, accusatory, retarded perspective on reality.
I’ve always tried to use it sparingly and sarcastically. But no amount of scare quotes or punny portmanteaus will change the fact that “woke” sounds like a poisoned word. In our excessive use of it, I fear we’re accidentally reifying the enemy’s power to steal and vandalise our everyday language, even when we’re laughing at their hubris in doing so.
In any case, this is a word that I think I’ll need to find a proper replacement for. I’ve been trying to stick to clowns, circuses and associated imagery when describing these fools, which is a framing we all seem to have a common grasp of these days. I also like it better because its both more flexible and expansive than the w-word, while still mocking those who worship at the Enemy’s ugly rainbow altars.
That’s all for now. If you catch me using any of the above in future articles, that probably just means I’ve changed my mind. That’s also something freemen can easily do, which is why I’m here with you guys instead of becoming a WEF Young Global Poohbah or whatever.
Be sure to let me know in the comments if you’ve done any similar editing work, or if you have any advice on new/replacement terms that I could steal borrow. When it comes to creative wordsmithery, you cool kids have always been an embarrassment of riches.
The Cat Was Never found is a reader-supported blog. I don’t publish much paywalled content, so your generous patronage is very much appreciated. As a reminder, a paid subscription will also grant you access to Deimos Station; the happiest place in cyberspace!
Alternatively, if you found any of this valuable (and can spare any change), consider dropping a tip in the cup for ya boy. It will also grant you access to my “Posts” section on the donation site, which includes some select paywalled Substack content. Thanks in advance.
My tendency to trade-up slang is perhaps an artifact of spending so much time in black neighborhoods, where the rate of such verbal horse-trading is often blindingly fast.
…and will be important even in concrete, strategic terms, which is something I intend to write about soon.
“Globohomo” is such a great coinage, although far too offensive for mixed company.
Too bad Anthony Burgess is not still alive. If you read A Clockwork Orange (the book is much better than the movie, especially with the 21st chapter that really changes the entire meaning of the story), you come away with an entire vocabulary of slang spoken by no one else on earth -- except for the handful of people who actually read the book. I'm sure Burgess could coin some memorable and apropos terms to describe the insanity in our culture today!