Mark's Mailbag
In which I tackle the most pressing issues of the day.
I’ve been trying to sort out a way to produce paid content without damaging my core mission of battling demons, robots and clowns in the public square. I obviously hope this might increase paid subscriptions, as well as give those of you kind enough to already support my writing work a little something extra.
That said, I understand that monthly or yearly commitments are hard to justify, particularly given the state of the world. So as a compromise, I’ll be reposting these kinds of “just for fun” writings on the Posts section of my donation site, buymeacoffee.com, where even a one-time minimum contribution of $5 USD will grant you access in perpetuity to all such misfit articles, stories and whatever other weird stuff I cross-post there.
Probably not the smartest business move on my part. But hey, that’s nothing new!
Here’s the link to the “coffee” post:
On the other hand, you could always just…
…which will simultaneously grant you access to the Happiest Place in Space. If you’re into that sort of thing.
Each and every day, my inbox gets flooded with imaginary emails from fictional people, seeking answers based on my non-existent expertise in basically everything.
Like so many burgeoning gurus/cult leaders, lately I’ve been feeling the urge to pretend-respond to these fake queries in the most shamelessly self-promoting way possible. I figure if it worked for Abigail Van Buren, why shouldn’t Bisone give it the old college try?
Thus, in the spirit of Christmas Halloween? bullshit advice columns everywhere, I give you the first — and possibly last, and only — edition of Mark’s Mailbag!
Gobsmacked in Saskatchewan writes:
Dear Mark,
What is a woman?
Dear Gobsmacked,
A woman is a man with a womb. After a while, people realized the “b” was so incredibly silent, they dropped it altogether.
As a bonus, this change ended a great deal of confusion regarding the proper handling of domesticated wombats.
Yours truly,
Mark
NoJiveTurkeyMan writes:
Mark,
Explain what a demon is. And don’t gimme no jive, turkey!
Peace!
Dear Mr. Turkeyman,
Great question! As far as I can tell, a demon can be explained by either or both of the following definitions:
A disembodied mind which seeks to gain control over (i.e. “possess”) complex material structures. Typically this structure will be a biological body equipped with a brain, mouth, ambulatory system and at least one smartphone, thus allowing it to pursue its sinister goals.
A physical creature with a body that either a) inherently is or b) has been rendered invisible to the range of normal human sensory organs, as well as all known instrumental methods of detection. Like the common octopus (octopus vulgaris) or Antifa purplehair (wokus retardis), the creature’s intelligence is as alien to us as its morphology, making its behaviors, abilities and motivations hard to explain in strictly logical terms.
In the case of the first species, the demon can be thought of as a form of free-floating force of will. This spectral force attempts to infest material that's capable of enacting said will out here in the world of motorcycles, Jell-O molds, gym socks, Alyssa Milano and other dense matter.
While the mechanics of such possessions are a matter of dispute, the general opinion is that the process is similar to the onset of an invasive disease, or an old show’s theme song that gets stuck in your head.