Goddess of Flame; Azazel's Articles; "Who the Hell am I?"
Looking forward to the next installment! It makes sense that the Muse can inspire programming as much as poetry or music. And it's fascinating and more than a little unsettling to think that our Muses could be spiritual beings with their own designs that may have nothing to do with our own well-being, or worse, may even be actively injurious to us. In my own limited way I've been bewitched by that Siren's song, sometimes, it seems, from a helpful Muse, but sometimes from one that seems more sinister. Cocaine is very apt as a comparison. That's the Muse that promises something grand and beautiful and is profoundly intoxicating, but which is probably every bit as deadly as the Sirens song in Homer.
Mark, I sincerely hope that sharing the story is more cathartic than an actual re-visitation!
I don't know exactly where your story will go, but I will say that parts of it so far are reminiscent of a time in my life that was very tumultuous. I was living in Los Angeles and got in my first real rock band in the early 90s. A strange incident happened at my first band rehearsal. The band leader mentioned that the lead guitarist — who I had not yet met — would be late. I had a never-before-felt excitement about the arrival of someone, but it lit me up that night. We started playing. At one point, we were in between songs when the door opened. I thought I was going to die from elation. The way the door opened into the room, I was the first band member that the lead guitarist saw. He smiled and entered the room. I was immediately hooked on this guy. It was that "love at first sight" experience that I'd never had.
Anyway, the relationship between us that ensued (at my initiation) was, at least for me, a wild ride that I couldn't seem to get off. You know those horrific experiments done by sick "scientists" revealed that variable intermittent schedules of reinforcement are the most effective in training? Well, that's what was happening: This guy figured out that same thing with me. He could go wherever and do and say whatever he wanted with whomever — including eventually having an "official" girlfriend — and I'd always take him back with open arms.
I tried breaking up with him many times, but like an addict, I would always go back. Finally, with the help of one of my female friends who had been through an almost identical situation, we conceived a plan to end the relationship once and for all. Basically, I would tell his "official" girlfriend about our escapades. My friend and I called it "dropping the bomb." And boy oh boy, did it work.
Within about half an hour of me telling the girlfriend, the guy called me. This formerly sweet-talking charmer spewed into the phone the most foul utterances I'd heard in my then-29 years!
What happened after that was the fascinating culmination. I went for a long jog, came home and took a shower. I laid on my bed and cried (with Jazz right next to me, of course). When the tears subsided, I breathed deeply and looked out through the patio doors at the trees. Suddenly, a tiny bean of bright green light arose from the physical region between my navel and my solar plexus. It ascended in 4-5 seconds, and then disappeared.
Something in me knew that the bean of light was associated with the guy, and its exit from my body symbolized the end of our relationship.
I consciously transformed my life after that. But I'll be honest that a few years later, we got together again. It was worse than before. Eventually, I met Ron and wanted nothing to do with that guy. I realized some time later that I had done a great deal of psycho-spiritual work on myself and had healed from the traumatic relationship . . . but *he* had not. He found me online a couple of years ago and wanted to "get together to reminisce." (Um, no.)
I am sending you wishes for Divine Protection throughout the telling of your story.💖
You're a very good storyteller! I anxiously await each new chapter. I believe you telling your experience will help because it's still weighing heavy on you. I will pray for you. For continued healing and peace.
Your descriptions of the personality changes, and the hyper activity and hypef abilities, remind me very much of what happens to people with Parkinson's who are put on the dopamine agonist class of drugs, so your comparison with very pure cocaine is apt. Sounds like the process was causing you feedback loops of lots of dopamine production - "success" was begetting "success".
And yes, wikipedia is now the bitch of the woke and the medically woke,..
Gotta watch out for those dark muses. I had one grab hold of me once and send a project way over the line into unhealthy territory. The experience was much like what you describe. It felt good at the time, too. Nowadays I'm careful to consecrate all projects to Our Lady.
Socratic philosophy is correct, there is such a thing as a muse or daemon, it is a natural human faculty that requires no machines, only attention, practice, and discernment. I regularly experience and take advantage of my own, but then I have decades of meditation behind me, as well as some related training that some might call "occult". It's a shame that modern, nihilistic society has erased all common knowledge of this natural human faculty. From this installment, I suspect you were experiencing your own daemon, but twisted by the thought-forms you were summoning into manifestation.
On other notes: the technical aspects sound fascinating, and I think you are too modest in downplaying your technical acumen. I have tried baby versions of what you describe (querying Wikipedia to find serendipitous associations) but gave up because, well, it was too time-consuming and was not part of my day job.
On yet another note, I am amused by your frustration with having to repeat your exaltation twice to your wife. I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets frustrated by having to repeat things to my Spousal Unit multiple times :-)
There was a recent joe rogan episode relevant to this https://open.spotify.com/episode/0sI2Z9HoNdB9RkXw3765qi where they were talking about the muse as an actual being...
I did just say a prayer of prayer of protection for you. I know full well what you’ve experienced. I dabbled in some occult practices as an ignorant teen, and thank the Lord was delivered out of darkness into the light. I experienced things for which there are no logical understandings. The evil one really does prowl about, seeking whom he may ensnare. The trap that could spring and catch anyone unawares of the true nature of the harm lying ahead is particular to our own unique susceptibilities and also perhaps latent talents. Yours is an important cautionary tale, and could prevent someone else from making a similar mistake. So thank you for sharing. Just be sure to counterbalance the revisit with things that are good and upright and true. Old sins can cast long shadows.
Thank you for documenting this journey. The vicarious experience of it is enriching my life.
I will say a prayer for you, brother.
A marvellous story-teller talent shines throughout The Cat Was Never Found 🤩 'To be continued.' Yessss pleeeease! The audience is already squirming on tenterhooks.
💬 I had always been a “master-of-none” type of dabbler.
Good for you! It’s pure blessing not even in disguise 🙂 Cf seen & admired on a blurb here ↓↓
🗨 Jack of all trades, master of none. Those masters tend to be pretentious jerks. (h/t @SpankinRedAss)