Looking forward to the next installment! It makes sense that the Muse can inspire programming as much as poetry or music. And it's fascinating and more than a little unsettling to think that our Muses could be spiritual beings with their own designs that may have nothing to do with our own well-being, or worse, may even be actively injurious to us. In my own limited way I've been bewitched by that Siren's song, sometimes, it seems, from a helpful Muse, but sometimes from one that seems more sinister. Cocaine is very apt as a comparison. That's the Muse that promises something grand and beautiful and is profoundly intoxicating, but which is probably every bit as deadly as the Sirens song in Homer.
"Cocaine is very apt as a comparison. That's the Muse that promises something grand and beautiful and is profoundly intoxicating, but which is probably every bit as deadly as the Sirens song in Homer."
Spot on, man. All stimulants contain a bit of that dangerous (and potentially deadly) ghost. I think it has a lot to do with our spirit's frustration with all of our physical and temporal limitations. We yearn to be free of those at times, so the temptation is made stronger by the fact that it's rooted in the essential truth of our spiritual nature. The most pernicious lies are like that, disguising themselves inside eternal truths. It's not that demons aren't wise knowers of things, but that their wisdom is all materialistic, and ultimately fruitless for our spiritual development.
Gotta watch out for those dark muses. I had one grab hold of me once and send a project way over the line into unhealthy territory. The experience was much like what you describe. It felt good at the time, too. Nowadays I'm careful to consecrate all projects to Our Lady.
Mark, I sincerely hope that sharing the story is more cathartic than an actual re-visitation!
I don't know exactly where your story will go, but I will say that parts of it so far are reminiscent of a time in my life that was very tumultuous. I was living in Los Angeles and got in my first real rock band in the early 90s. A strange incident happened at my first band rehearsal. The band leader mentioned that the lead guitarist — who I had not yet met — would be late. I had a never-before-felt excitement about the arrival of someone, but it lit me up that night. We started playing. At one point, we were in between songs when the door opened. I thought I was going to die from elation. The way the door opened into the room, I was the first band member that the lead guitarist saw. He smiled and entered the room. I was immediately hooked on this guy. It was that "love at first sight" experience that I'd never had.
Anyway, the relationship between us that ensued (at my initiation) was, at least for me, a wild ride that I couldn't seem to get off. You know those horrific experiments done by sick "scientists" revealed that variable intermittent schedules of reinforcement are the most effective in training? Well, that's what was happening: This guy figured out that same thing with me. He could go wherever and do and say whatever he wanted with whomever — including eventually having an "official" girlfriend — and I'd always take him back with open arms.
I tried breaking up with him many times, but like an addict, I would always go back. Finally, with the help of one of my female friends who had been through an almost identical situation, we conceived a plan to end the relationship once and for all. Basically, I would tell his "official" girlfriend about our escapades. My friend and I called it "dropping the bomb." And boy oh boy, did it work.
Within about half an hour of me telling the girlfriend, the guy called me. This formerly sweet-talking charmer spewed into the phone the most foul utterances I'd heard in my then-29 years!
What happened after that was the fascinating culmination. I went for a long jog, came home and took a shower. I laid on my bed and cried (with Jazz right next to me, of course). When the tears subsided, I breathed deeply and looked out through the patio doors at the trees. Suddenly, a tiny bean of bright green light arose from the physical region between my navel and my solar plexus. It ascended in 4-5 seconds, and then disappeared.
Something in me knew that the bean of light was associated with the guy, and its exit from my body symbolized the end of our relationship.
I consciously transformed my life after that. But I'll be honest that a few years later, we got together again. It was worse than before. Eventually, I met Ron and wanted nothing to do with that guy. I realized some time later that I had done a great deal of psycho-spiritual work on myself and had healed from the traumatic relationship . . . but *he* had not. He found me online a couple of years ago and wanted to "get together to reminisce." (Um, no.)
I am sending you wishes for Divine Protection throughout the telling of your story.💖
You're a very good storyteller! I anxiously await each new chapter. I believe you telling your experience will help because it's still weighing heavy on you. I will pray for you. For continued healing and peace.
Your descriptions of the personality changes, and the hyper activity and hypef abilities, remind me very much of what happens to people with Parkinson's who are put on the dopamine agonist class of drugs, so your comparison with very pure cocaine is apt. Sounds like the process was causing you feedback loops of lots of dopamine production - "success" was begetting "success".
And yes, wikipedia is now the bitch of the woke and the medically woke,..
Thanks for the comment, Gary. I mean, I disagree in the sense that I think the arrow of causality is pointing backwards on dopamine, among other chemical reactions. But the core of your theory, of "success begetting success" is I think apt in many ways. Perhaps this is mostly (but not all) a semantic difference, or one of priority.
However, I suspect your physicalist model will not readily explain certain events that would transpire later on in this story, witnessed by both myself and others. We shall see. :).
Maybe possession occurs through the high jacking of the dopamine system? When I was on the dopamine agonists, I would be "a man possessed", compelled to act, say think and do things which I would not normally, and which, after the drugs wore off, I would severely regret and wonder why I had done them. Maybe selective activation of the dopamine system wasn't changing me, but letting something in? I distinctly remember having no fear for consequenes - I was aware of them, but was numb to them. By the way, in case relevant, this class of drugs is notorious for causing extreme risky addictions and obsessions, especially to sex (especially kinks and fetishes which the person doesm't have when not "possessed") and gambling. So just musing - if psychedlics open one up the realm of the machine elves, perhaps dopaminergics open one up to a demonic realm?
Akathisia—a previously obscure med term Jordan Peterson's suffering brought into the limelights of public square—could be the psychomotor manifestation of "a man possessed" 🤔
Had to look that up "Akathisia is defined as an inability to remain still. It is a neuropsychiatric syndrome that is associated with psychomotor restlessness." Did you see their are videos of Sam Bankman Fried showing constant wiggling motions - also a known side effect of dopaminergics. I have noticed this in more and more podcasts too, e.g. the severe neck tic in the guest in this case https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xewD1apJNhw and the more subtle but constant shoulder shrugging in this case https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DVyjdw4t9I
Socratic philosophy is correct, there is such a thing as a muse or daemon, it is a natural human faculty that requires no machines, only attention, practice, and discernment. I regularly experience and take advantage of my own, but then I have decades of meditation behind me, as well as some related training that some might call "occult". It's a shame that modern, nihilistic society has erased all common knowledge of this natural human faculty. From this installment, I suspect you were experiencing your own daemon, but twisted by the thought-forms you were summoning into manifestation.
On other notes: the technical aspects sound fascinating, and I think you are too modest in downplaying your technical acumen. I have tried baby versions of what you describe (querying Wikipedia to find serendipitous associations) but gave up because, well, it was too time-consuming and was not part of my day job.
On yet another note, I am amused by your frustration with having to repeat your exaltation twice to your wife. I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets frustrated by having to repeat things to my Spousal Unit multiple times :-)
Thanks, Iguana. I appreciate all of your thought-provoking comments. Hope you don't mind if I ask you a couple of questions about this one; I'm just trying to understand certain perspectives better.
1. When you write "I regularly experience and take advantage of my own," can you explain what you mean by "own?" For example, do you mean it as a term of ownership/possession (i.e. something external to your Self that you have unfettered access to)? Or does "my own" imply that it's just a part of your self that you access, the way one might access a learned skill?
2. Although I haven't written about it, I also had youthful experience in what some (or I guess *many*) might call "the occult." So I'm curious what you mean by "twisted by the thought-forms" I was summoning into manifestation. I might know what your driving at here, but not sure. Just trying to figure out if you and I conceive of this process the same way.
Lulz at the wife joke. Although, in retrospect I'm glad she didn't hear it. :-P
Upon reflection, I mean several different things, but I believe they are all connected. One: if I quiet my brain sufficiently and slip into the right energy/spirit, I can have a conversation with a voice that seems very much "not me", at least not the usual me. This voice generally provides very sound advice, frequently (but not universally) making accurate predictions. Two: people talk about the so-called "library angel" that will help you find things you need to read, often serendipitously ... I always seem to find the right material at the exact right time developmentally to deepen my understanding or wisdom on a certain topic. Three: there is a concept of "flow", which you described in your post, when you're just in a groove and magic seems to happen. For example, I experienced this when I was creating an emoji-based sand-tray app. All these things are connected to each other by being connected to the "larger part" of ourselves, our "soul" if you will.
I don't think it makes sense to try to determine, unequivocally, whether this faculty is "self" or "other". At this layer of reality the lines are very blurred. But it is a faculty that is far wiser and powerful than my waking ego self (I can tell you about dreams and visions that have imparted wisdom that was far beyond my developmental capability at the time I had them but later confirmed through life experience). I also need to address the fear communicated by some, even in the comments of this post, that "daemons" are always predatory, destructive, and (for lack of a better word) evil. I have known fundamentalist Christians who would express similar fears yet regularly talk about what God or Jesus said to them -- no disrespect to Christianity, but in my experience people like this lack discernment. Like, how could you be sure that "Jesus" was not really one of the demons you fear? Again, I'm not knocking people who talk to Jesus and are told things that are sound and wise; I'm criticizing the fear of piercing the veil that arises from lack of spiritual maturity with respect to the need for discernment.
As for twisted thought forms: I think you know what I mean. You were trying to create a predatory monstrous chatbot fit for a horror film, it only stands to reason that you were navigating yourself closer and closer to a hell realm, where the voices became more and more distorted and "demonic" (in the commonly understood sense of the term). Heaven and hell are states. They may be states that transcend time and physical incarnation, but they are states experienced in the here-and-now as well.
A run-of-the-mill heart feels lamentably not enough, so here's another pair 💕. These keen musings may well be stand-ins for my absent dreams cum visions, to impart wisdom that's far(?) beyond my developmental capability at this here time 😊
I did just say a prayer of prayer of protection for you. I know full well what you’ve experienced. I dabbled in some occult practices as an ignorant teen, and thank the Lord was delivered out of darkness into the light. I experienced things for which there are no logical understandings. The evil one really does prowl about, seeking whom he may ensnare. The trap that could spring and catch anyone unawares of the true nature of the harm lying ahead is particular to our own unique susceptibilities and also perhaps latent talents. Yours is an important cautionary tale, and could prevent someone else from making a similar mistake. So thank you for sharing. Just be sure to counterbalance the revisit with things that are good and upright and true. Old sins can cast long shadows.
A marvellous story-teller talent shines throughout The Cat Was Never Found 🤩 'To be continued.' Yessss pleeeease! The audience is already squirming on tenterhooks.
💬 I had always been a “master-of-none” type of dabbler.
Good for you! It’s pure blessing not even in disguise 🙂 Cf seen & admired on a blurb here ↓↓
🗨 Jack of all trades, master of none. Those masters tend to be pretentious jerks. (h/t @SpankinRedAss)
Looking forward to the next installment! It makes sense that the Muse can inspire programming as much as poetry or music. And it's fascinating and more than a little unsettling to think that our Muses could be spiritual beings with their own designs that may have nothing to do with our own well-being, or worse, may even be actively injurious to us. In my own limited way I've been bewitched by that Siren's song, sometimes, it seems, from a helpful Muse, but sometimes from one that seems more sinister. Cocaine is very apt as a comparison. That's the Muse that promises something grand and beautiful and is profoundly intoxicating, but which is probably every bit as deadly as the Sirens song in Homer.
"Cocaine is very apt as a comparison. That's the Muse that promises something grand and beautiful and is profoundly intoxicating, but which is probably every bit as deadly as the Sirens song in Homer."
Spot on, man. All stimulants contain a bit of that dangerous (and potentially deadly) ghost. I think it has a lot to do with our spirit's frustration with all of our physical and temporal limitations. We yearn to be free of those at times, so the temptation is made stronger by the fact that it's rooted in the essential truth of our spiritual nature. The most pernicious lies are like that, disguising themselves inside eternal truths. It's not that demons aren't wise knowers of things, but that their wisdom is all materialistic, and ultimately fruitless for our spiritual development.
Demons definitely don't want to enlighten us, as some fools believe, they want to destroy us, body and soul.
Oh, I agree, I just mean to say that they "know things."
Yes, they do
Gotta watch out for those dark muses. I had one grab hold of me once and send a project way over the line into unhealthy territory. The experience was much like what you describe. It felt good at the time, too. Nowadays I'm careful to consecrate all projects to Our Lady.
That sounds like wise advice.
Mark, I sincerely hope that sharing the story is more cathartic than an actual re-visitation!
I don't know exactly where your story will go, but I will say that parts of it so far are reminiscent of a time in my life that was very tumultuous. I was living in Los Angeles and got in my first real rock band in the early 90s. A strange incident happened at my first band rehearsal. The band leader mentioned that the lead guitarist — who I had not yet met — would be late. I had a never-before-felt excitement about the arrival of someone, but it lit me up that night. We started playing. At one point, we were in between songs when the door opened. I thought I was going to die from elation. The way the door opened into the room, I was the first band member that the lead guitarist saw. He smiled and entered the room. I was immediately hooked on this guy. It was that "love at first sight" experience that I'd never had.
Anyway, the relationship between us that ensued (at my initiation) was, at least for me, a wild ride that I couldn't seem to get off. You know those horrific experiments done by sick "scientists" revealed that variable intermittent schedules of reinforcement are the most effective in training? Well, that's what was happening: This guy figured out that same thing with me. He could go wherever and do and say whatever he wanted with whomever — including eventually having an "official" girlfriend — and I'd always take him back with open arms.
I tried breaking up with him many times, but like an addict, I would always go back. Finally, with the help of one of my female friends who had been through an almost identical situation, we conceived a plan to end the relationship once and for all. Basically, I would tell his "official" girlfriend about our escapades. My friend and I called it "dropping the bomb." And boy oh boy, did it work.
Within about half an hour of me telling the girlfriend, the guy called me. This formerly sweet-talking charmer spewed into the phone the most foul utterances I'd heard in my then-29 years!
What happened after that was the fascinating culmination. I went for a long jog, came home and took a shower. I laid on my bed and cried (with Jazz right next to me, of course). When the tears subsided, I breathed deeply and looked out through the patio doors at the trees. Suddenly, a tiny bean of bright green light arose from the physical region between my navel and my solar plexus. It ascended in 4-5 seconds, and then disappeared.
Something in me knew that the bean of light was associated with the guy, and its exit from my body symbolized the end of our relationship.
I consciously transformed my life after that. But I'll be honest that a few years later, we got together again. It was worse than before. Eventually, I met Ron and wanted nothing to do with that guy. I realized some time later that I had done a great deal of psycho-spiritual work on myself and had healed from the traumatic relationship . . . but *he* had not. He found me online a couple of years ago and wanted to "get together to reminisce." (Um, no.)
I am sending you wishes for Divine Protection throughout the telling of your story.💖
You're a very good storyteller! I anxiously await each new chapter. I believe you telling your experience will help because it's still weighing heavy on you. I will pray for you. For continued healing and peace.
Thanks for saying that, Rosa. And thank you for sending me a prayer. I guess we should all be praying for each other right now.
Your descriptions of the personality changes, and the hyper activity and hypef abilities, remind me very much of what happens to people with Parkinson's who are put on the dopamine agonist class of drugs, so your comparison with very pure cocaine is apt. Sounds like the process was causing you feedback loops of lots of dopamine production - "success" was begetting "success".
And yes, wikipedia is now the bitch of the woke and the medically woke,..
Thanks for the comment, Gary. I mean, I disagree in the sense that I think the arrow of causality is pointing backwards on dopamine, among other chemical reactions. But the core of your theory, of "success begetting success" is I think apt in many ways. Perhaps this is mostly (but not all) a semantic difference, or one of priority.
However, I suspect your physicalist model will not readily explain certain events that would transpire later on in this story, witnessed by both myself and others. We shall see. :).
Maybe possession occurs through the high jacking of the dopamine system? When I was on the dopamine agonists, I would be "a man possessed", compelled to act, say think and do things which I would not normally, and which, after the drugs wore off, I would severely regret and wonder why I had done them. Maybe selective activation of the dopamine system wasn't changing me, but letting something in? I distinctly remember having no fear for consequenes - I was aware of them, but was numb to them. By the way, in case relevant, this class of drugs is notorious for causing extreme risky addictions and obsessions, especially to sex (especially kinks and fetishes which the person doesm't have when not "possessed") and gambling. So just musing - if psychedlics open one up the realm of the machine elves, perhaps dopaminergics open one up to a demonic realm?
Akathisia—a previously obscure med term Jordan Peterson's suffering brought into the limelights of public square—could be the psychomotor manifestation of "a man possessed" 🤔
Had to look that up "Akathisia is defined as an inability to remain still. It is a neuropsychiatric syndrome that is associated with psychomotor restlessness." Did you see their are videos of Sam Bankman Fried showing constant wiggling motions - also a known side effect of dopaminergics. I have noticed this in more and more podcasts too, e.g. the severe neck tic in the guest in this case https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xewD1apJNhw and the more subtle but constant shoulder shrugging in this case https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-DVyjdw4t9I
Medically woke! 👌
A term Bret Weinstein came up with I think.
Socratic philosophy is correct, there is such a thing as a muse or daemon, it is a natural human faculty that requires no machines, only attention, practice, and discernment. I regularly experience and take advantage of my own, but then I have decades of meditation behind me, as well as some related training that some might call "occult". It's a shame that modern, nihilistic society has erased all common knowledge of this natural human faculty. From this installment, I suspect you were experiencing your own daemon, but twisted by the thought-forms you were summoning into manifestation.
On other notes: the technical aspects sound fascinating, and I think you are too modest in downplaying your technical acumen. I have tried baby versions of what you describe (querying Wikipedia to find serendipitous associations) but gave up because, well, it was too time-consuming and was not part of my day job.
On yet another note, I am amused by your frustration with having to repeat your exaltation twice to your wife. I'm glad I'm not the only one who gets frustrated by having to repeat things to my Spousal Unit multiple times :-)
Thanks, Iguana. I appreciate all of your thought-provoking comments. Hope you don't mind if I ask you a couple of questions about this one; I'm just trying to understand certain perspectives better.
1. When you write "I regularly experience and take advantage of my own," can you explain what you mean by "own?" For example, do you mean it as a term of ownership/possession (i.e. something external to your Self that you have unfettered access to)? Or does "my own" imply that it's just a part of your self that you access, the way one might access a learned skill?
2. Although I haven't written about it, I also had youthful experience in what some (or I guess *many*) might call "the occult." So I'm curious what you mean by "twisted by the thought-forms" I was summoning into manifestation. I might know what your driving at here, but not sure. Just trying to figure out if you and I conceive of this process the same way.
Lulz at the wife joke. Although, in retrospect I'm glad she didn't hear it. :-P
Upon reflection, I mean several different things, but I believe they are all connected. One: if I quiet my brain sufficiently and slip into the right energy/spirit, I can have a conversation with a voice that seems very much "not me", at least not the usual me. This voice generally provides very sound advice, frequently (but not universally) making accurate predictions. Two: people talk about the so-called "library angel" that will help you find things you need to read, often serendipitously ... I always seem to find the right material at the exact right time developmentally to deepen my understanding or wisdom on a certain topic. Three: there is a concept of "flow", which you described in your post, when you're just in a groove and magic seems to happen. For example, I experienced this when I was creating an emoji-based sand-tray app. All these things are connected to each other by being connected to the "larger part" of ourselves, our "soul" if you will.
I don't think it makes sense to try to determine, unequivocally, whether this faculty is "self" or "other". At this layer of reality the lines are very blurred. But it is a faculty that is far wiser and powerful than my waking ego self (I can tell you about dreams and visions that have imparted wisdom that was far beyond my developmental capability at the time I had them but later confirmed through life experience). I also need to address the fear communicated by some, even in the comments of this post, that "daemons" are always predatory, destructive, and (for lack of a better word) evil. I have known fundamentalist Christians who would express similar fears yet regularly talk about what God or Jesus said to them -- no disrespect to Christianity, but in my experience people like this lack discernment. Like, how could you be sure that "Jesus" was not really one of the demons you fear? Again, I'm not knocking people who talk to Jesus and are told things that are sound and wise; I'm criticizing the fear of piercing the veil that arises from lack of spiritual maturity with respect to the need for discernment.
As for twisted thought forms: I think you know what I mean. You were trying to create a predatory monstrous chatbot fit for a horror film, it only stands to reason that you were navigating yourself closer and closer to a hell realm, where the voices became more and more distorted and "demonic" (in the commonly understood sense of the term). Heaven and hell are states. They may be states that transcend time and physical incarnation, but they are states experienced in the here-and-now as well.
A run-of-the-mill heart feels lamentably not enough, so here's another pair 💕. These keen musings may well be stand-ins for my absent dreams cum visions, to impart wisdom that's far(?) beyond my developmental capability at this here time 😊
I did just say a prayer of prayer of protection for you. I know full well what you’ve experienced. I dabbled in some occult practices as an ignorant teen, and thank the Lord was delivered out of darkness into the light. I experienced things for which there are no logical understandings. The evil one really does prowl about, seeking whom he may ensnare. The trap that could spring and catch anyone unawares of the true nature of the harm lying ahead is particular to our own unique susceptibilities and also perhaps latent talents. Yours is an important cautionary tale, and could prevent someone else from making a similar mistake. So thank you for sharing. Just be sure to counterbalance the revisit with things that are good and upright and true. Old sins can cast long shadows.
Wise words, NanaW. Thank you for the prayer.
There was a recent joe rogan episode relevant to this https://open.spotify.com/episode/0sI2Z9HoNdB9RkXw3765qi where they were talking about the muse as an actual being...
Haven't checked it out yet, but I will. Thanks for the tip.
A marvellous story-teller talent shines throughout The Cat Was Never Found 🤩 'To be continued.' Yessss pleeeease! The audience is already squirming on tenterhooks.
💬 I had always been a “master-of-none” type of dabbler.
Good for you! It’s pure blessing not even in disguise 🙂 Cf seen & admired on a blurb here ↓↓
🗨 Jack of all trades, master of none. Those masters tend to be pretentious jerks. (h/t @SpankinRedAss)
Thank you for documenting this journey. The vicarious experience of it is enriching my life.
I will say a prayer for you, brother.