*•. W̴͇̻͖̾̌̔À̴̤̍͗Ṛ̶͂̀N̶͕̾̊͒Í̶̺̩N̴̨̥̭͛́̕G̸̠̀͘.•*
тнιѕ вσσк ¢σηтαιηѕ α мαgι¢ ѕρєℓℓ
๑۞๑,¸¸,ø¤º°`°๑,¸¸,ø¤º°`°๑۞๑
and the boys and the girls fled safely
to the water
and the moons and their masters sailed dreamless
in the sky
we have schemes and disasters
they have plans in the making
as they sleep or we suffer
as we kiss
(and they fly)
if it all comes down to zero
(no, no, no)
build a big red heartless hero
(yeah, yeah, yeah)
may be a lost cause
a cost of claws
(and broken paws)
such a fuss of dust
must we maybe
make a bay bee?
Gucci gang Gucci gang Gucci gang
Gucci gang Gucci gang Gucci gang
Versace Versace Versace Versace
Versace Versace Versace Versace(Note: What you have just read does not constitute the language of the spell. It is simply an example of “doggerel,” meaning a pile of words slammed together in a way that's vaguely poem-shaped.)
(We will set them to synthesizer music, however. Something vaguely European and up-tempo, but otherwise mathematically round and bland.)
We see a series of bright, warm images; an attractive elderly couple jogs on a beach; a young mother sweeps an adorable toddler into her arms; a group of coworkers at an outdoor bar raise a toast to their own masterfully calibrated racial and gender diversity. Everyone smiles like a goddamned moron.
(Cue narration:)
“This book you are reading contains at least one magical spell: a string of words which, if read aloud, will trigger an effect. By ‘effect,’ we do not mean one that occurs ‘in the world of the story,’ or in some metaphorical sense. It will be a real effect, taking place out there in your real, actual world.
“This is not a joke.
“Other things inside this book might be jokes. But this is NOT. The spell contained inside this book is very real, and horribly powerful.
“In fact, it's so real and powerful, we aren't even going to tell you what it does. Like the words of the spell itself, the description of its effect is also buried somewhere in the pages. Our first instinct was to tell you the exact locations of all these words up front, for safety's sake. But then our lawyers got back to us, and insisted this was the way to go.
“They also advised us to include some language about ‘books on tape.’ While testing has been inconclusive, we advise that you do not listen to any audio recording of this book, either through your headphones or over loudspeakers. This warning also applies to public recitations of any kind. The spell in question primarily effects the person who speaks it, but it seems that people within auditory range of the speaker may also get splattered with a dose of the juju.
“So if you ever hear the stentorian throatsong of James Earl Jones booming in your earbuds, talking some jive about monsters who build irrational tunnels made of dreams, remove them from your ears and dispose of them immediately. We recommend a bonfire, or some other form of ritualized immolation. But in a pinch the nearest garbage can or dumpster will do the trick.
“And if you spot a disheveled Gary Busey in the middle of a strip mall parking lot, hollering about interdimensional arsonists and deadly pranks, we advise that you drive away from there as fast as possible, and never return to that mall again.
“In fact, if you spot Mr. Busey standing anywhere, shouting about anything at all, it’s probably safer to just move along.”
Known side effects may include:
nausea
drowsiness
sinus pressure
increased feelings of anxiety or stress
diarrhea
constipation
changes in appetite
a blistering or peeling rash
insomnia
abdominal pain
hysterical blindness
hallucinations
swelling of the face, lips or tongue
erectile dysfunction
worsening depression
thoughts of suicide
scurvy
epileptic seizures
hair loss
night terrors
day terrors
otherworldly visitors
increased risks for heart attack or stroke
signature dance moves
identity theft
cervical cancer
gout
biological viruses
computer viruses
viral videos, hashtags or memes
global warming
global cooling
climate change
delusions of grandeur
spiritual ennui
blood parasites
political speeches
mind control
sneezing, sore throat or cough
athlete's foot
swimmer’s ear
tennis knee
testicular torsion
gingivitis
moral dilemmas
alternate timelines
mass hysteria
wars and floods
loss of loved ones
incurable madness
difficulty breathing or swallowing
death.
So ask your fucking doctor about what Spellutex™ can do for you. If that doesn't help, try asking a starving artist, or a chunky monk.
Whatever you do, proceed with the utmost caution. Do not search for the spell. Don't attempt to read between the lines, either, or gaze at the book upside down in mirrors, or any other cunning method of detection. If you're dead set on casting this particular spell, its words will almost certainly find you.